One of the topics I focus on in the book is how we so often avoid dealing with our real yet often hidden emotional pains through some form of ‘self-medication.’ From drugs and sex to work and church, with lots in between, our lives often become centered around whatever our favorite form of self-medication is, along with the consequences that naturally co-exist and follow that form.
One of the ‘in between’ forms of self-medication is connecting with other people, which itself is exhibited in many ways. I talk about several in the book, and I’ve recently realized that these could possibly be summarized as “holding someone else reponsible for our own happiness.”
This sounds so simple, so basic, but I’m shocked to see how often we do this to each other. ”If you wouldn’t do X, then I wouldn’t have to feel Y,” where Y is some negative emotion that has a bad influence on how we feel about ourselves, others, and even God.
Even more troubling is how often I see this in troubled marriages, where both partners are holding each other responsible for the other’s happiness. Only I can deal with my own issues, but it is so often easier to avoid doing the hard work that is needed here, and rather just throw my responsibility onto that beautiful soul that God has blesed my life with.
If both spouses continue to do this, then they’re going to continue to live within a death spiral. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, the marriage may continue for decades, but with an intense, frustrating, maddening emotional separation.
If one takes personal responsibility for themselves, but their partner refuses to, then there will be continued misery in the relationship (why do we do this to each other?).
If both take personal responsibility for their own issues, then a wonderful maturing of the relationship, including a deeper realizion of the joy of sharing life together, can occur. And often does.
peace…
