How We Self-Medicate Ourselves From Reality

One of the key points of The Emotionally Authentic Christian is how we unfortunately over-protect ourselves from learning through our tough experiences.  I call this “self-medication” in the book.  Here are the forms mentioned in the book – please feel free to write if you come across any additional forms or categories…

 Alcohol and Drugs

Do I seek to avoid the realities in my life through abusing substances, as warned against in scripture, or do I seek lasting inner peace and joy?  These substances include alcohol, prescription drugs, and illegal drugs.  As an illustration, a person who used illegal drugs was quoted as saying, “I’d always felt that there was a hole inside me. (Methamphetamine) filled it up. I became Superman with my work, and my self-esteem just shot through the roof.” Or, do I refuse to take needed medication despite its benefits to perpetuate some level of physical or emotional pain, as a diversion against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions?

Sex

Do I enslave myself to worldly passion instead of honoring God with my body? This includes adultery, pornography, and even the misuse of marital lovemaking by a spouse, if used for one-sided escapism from dealing with crucial issues. Or, do I excuse myself from enjoying the gift of physical intimacy within marriage in a quest to punish myself or my spouse or both for some actual or perceived past misdeeds, or to create a diversion against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions?

Food

Do I take a self-centered or self-punishing view toward food, which can produce a variety of physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual problems—whether from overeating or undereating?

Connecting with Others: Gossip

As I develop and experience various levels of emotional intimacy with others, do I often gossip about others or engage in other “godless chatter” to keep the focus off of myself and my own issues?

Connecting with Others: Venting

Do I often let my emotions get the better of me? For example, do I give “full vent to (my) anger,” or consistently use my emotions to manipulateor attack others, to keep the focus off of myself and my own issues?

Connecting with Others: Idolatry

Do I hold others responsible for my self-worth and happiness, instead of resting in God’s assurance that I cannot earn his approval, because I’m created in his image just below heavenly beings and my sins have been completely separated from me by Jesus Christ?

Connecting with Others: Projection

Do I try to deflect my emotional reality onto another person or persons—commonly termed projection—which is essentially criticizing and attacking others as an outlet for a similar pain or pressure that I’m feeling inside? This enables me to temporarily avoid taking ownership for what is truly within myself, while justifying feelings of frustration and anger toward the person(s) whom I’m projecting onto. This can even lead to condemning the person(s) I’m projecting onto or lashing out at innocent bystanders with the negative feelings that I blame the projectee(s) for. The condemnation and crucifixion of Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of this dynamic.

A false inner belief of “unfixability” is commonly projected. It is far easier and more attractive to focus on fixing or protecting others—and then writing them off if they don’t respond to my help—than focusing on my own concealed belief that I’m broken and cannot be fixed. Of course, I cannot fix anyone else. I can only work on addressing my own issues and false beliefs, such as the mistaken belief that I must meet certain standards or be approved by certain others to be lovable, or that I’m unworthy of being loved because of past failure.

Connecting with Others: Rationalizing

Do I try to delude myself into thinking that intellectually acknowledging my troubling emotions is the same as dealing with their underlying impact on my life? Let’s face it—admitting that one drinks too much is clearly not the same as getting treatment for an alcoholic condition! With rationalization, I essentially stop at intellectual agreement that the emotion exists within myself, instead of trusting God to help me constructively proceed through this troubling valley. This response commonly stems from several causes: a lack of trust that God can refresh and renew me through the pain; a simple desire to avoid any type of pain, real or perceived; an underlying false belief that I cannot change; or a fear that I might actually be at least somewhat responsible for causing or perpetuating the issue, so I don’t want to face any inner guilt.

Connecting with Others: Withdrawing

Withdrawing emotionally is an underconsumption of connection with others. Do I, like the Israelites described in Isaiah, refuse to accept and deal with bad news, so I’m unable to even begin to address the issues in my life productively, let alone be comforted by his Spirit? Do I shut down emotionally when things start to get tough? Do I pretend that everything is OK when it is not? Do realize that when I check out, I not only put myself at risk of sinning, but also may have a hard time simply recognizing God’s presence, analogous to the two men walking from Jerusalem to Emmaus after Jesus’ crucifixion?

Entertainment and Leisure

Have entertainment and leisure become my primary occupation? Do I spend hours every day in front of the television watching soap operas, sitcoms, or sports? Surfing the Internet? Shopping? Golfing? Do I spend far more time on these pursuits than I spend in filling my mind with what is good, such as scripture and loving others compassionately? Am I not bothered by the Barna Group’s research study that reports that “born again adults spend an average of seven times more hours each week watching television than they do participating in spiritual pursuits such as Bible reading, prayer and worship, spend roughly twice as much money on entertainment as they donate to their church, and spend more time surfing the Net than they do conversing with God in prayer?”

Or, do I refuse to partake in entertainment and leisure activities in order to control my environment or make a self-righteous statement as a diversion against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions?

Work

Am I like the Israelites in Exodus, who gave up their God-ordered rest to gather more manna, despite God’s assurances that they would have enough? Do I ignore Solomon’s wisdom that “toilsome labor” for its own sake is meaningless, instead of resting comfortably in the presence of Jesus Christ?

Or, do I hold back from fully committing myself to meaningful work as a type of protest against some injustice that I feel has been perpetuated on me? Does my attitude become a diversion against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions?

Laws

Do I rely on adhering to a set of religious or secular laws or rituals as the basis for my salvation and worth, despite the scriptural statement that faith alone leads to salvation?

Or, am I more comfortable living in perpetual rebellion against established scriptural or civil laws as a diversion against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions, regardless of the eventual consequences?

 Serving and Ministry

Do I fill every available moment in my life with a frenzied level of service in a quest to find God’s peace and joy, instead of patiently serving others out of the peace and joy he’s already blessed me with? Do I do this to avoid ooking inside myself at how I sincerely feel?

Or, do I serve as a form of idolatry in order to gain affirmation from certain others as a mandate on my self-worth? This shows up in a wide range of dynamics—from an obsession with being a people-pleaser (where I require affirmation in return for my service, or that person is critiqued or cast out), which clearly puts me at risk of going against Jesus’ teachings; to being a “time martyr,” where I give up that which God wants me to do and instead allow my time to be overly consumed by codependent folks whose continued presence I rely on for self-worth.

Who am I really serving? Do I serve others primarily for the glory of God, or do I serve primarily for self-centered reasons? 

At its extreme, within arguably the most respected pursuit of all, does my family struggle to get enough of my undivided time and attention because of my considerable levels of ministry-related activities? Do they feel like they’re “fighting God” to get time with me? Christ gave himself up for thechurch, just as I’m to give myself up for my spouse, putting nothing in the way of accomplishing this—including ministry that in the innermost recesses is really primarily pursuing either approval and affirmation, or removal of some feeling of guilt. A good example of this is Eli in the Old Testament. His focus on ministry, at the expense of his family, led to grave consequences.

Or, do I refuse to serve others or take part in formal ministry or both as a protest against the hypocrisy that I identify in others, especially those in the church? This becomes a self-righteous platform against or proxy for dealing with my deeper, more painful underlying emotions.

 

 [references for this post: Ephesians 5:18; Loren (not his real name), as quoted in the Austin American-Statesman, 31 July 2005, page A13; Titus 2:11–12; 1 Corinthians 6:19–20, 1 Corinthians 11:20–21; Proverbs 11:13, 16:28, 20:19, 26:20, 26:22; Proverbs 29:11; Genesis 1:26–27, Psalms 8:5, Psalms 103:11–12; 2 Samuel 12:5; Robert S. McGee, The Search for Significance (Nashville: W Publishing Group,2003), p.150–151; McGee, p.150–151; Job 31:33–34; Isaiah 30:9–11, 15–17; Jeremiah 6:14; James 4:17; Luke 24:13–24; William Romanowski, Eyes Wide Open (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Brazos Press, 2001), p.12; Exodus 16:27; Ecclesiastes 2; Luke 10:40–42; Romans 10:9; Matthew 6:1–4; 1 Samuel 3; Ephesians 5:25.]

Some Biblically-Based Random Notes on Suffering

One of the key premises in The Emotionally Authentic Christian is that God allows us to go through experiences and situations that we would consider to be ‘suffering’ so that, as we work through and learn from that suffering, we can better understand and empathize with those God places along our path. 

This premesis is not that popular with our modern culture, which is so often driven by the relatively destructive norms of immediate gratification and entitlement (especially ‘to be happy all the time’), which leads us into rationalizations such as “but God couldn’t really WANT me to suffer!”

Here are some useful Scripture verses and related quotes that help emphasize the importance of suffering.  These can be especially useful if you’re in a particularly tough place at this moment, or in a place where you’re truly open to how God wants us to learn:

Rom 5:3-7, 5:3,4L, 2:7, 8:17, 8:20-21, 8:24,25
Jas 1:2-4
Zeph 3:14-20
Ps 66:8-12 (notice the struggles – prison, burdens, embarrassment, natural disasters..leads to being tested, alive, on His path)
2Cor 6:3-7
2Cor 1:3-11
2Pet 1:2-9
Phil 1:29
2Cor 2:14
1Pet 1:3-7
1Pet 4:1-3 (NLT)
2Cor 4:7-18
Ecc 3:1
Jn 10:28,29
Jas 5:10
2Tim 3:10-11
Gen 50:20
Lk 21:12-13
Ps 34:19
Gen 41:39,40 along with 41:46 (13 years!)
Ezra 5-6
Job 6:8,9
Job 5:17-26

related see the Our Daily Bread (odb) devotionals on 12/16/05 and 12/30/05 – ‘the difficulties of life are to make us better, not bitter’

‘Teach me, Lord, to respond to the people you thrust into my life in ways that mature me, honor You, and build Your kingdom’ – from men of integrity (mofi) devotional 9/30/07 – because these folks refine me – they act as ‘sandpaper in the hands of God’ re: Tom Addington from www.cornerstoneco.com.

‘I begin to find that too good a character is inconvenient’ – Sir Walter Scott, Scottish author, mofi 7/27/07.

‘Nothing fails like success because we don’t learn from it. We learn only from failure.’ – Kenneth Boulding, economist, in mofi 8/7/07.

‘We mount to heaven mostly on the ruins of our cherished dreams, finding our failures were successes – Amos Alcott, New England philosopher, in mofi 8/8/07.

‘Those who have failed miserably are often the first to see God’s formula for success’ – Erwin Lutzer, Illinois pastor, in mofi 8/9/07.

‘We are not at our best perched at the summit; we are climbers, at our best when the way is steep’ – John Gardner, educator and writer, mofi 9/12/07

mofi 1/24/07 thought – ‘95% of knowing the will of God consists in being prepared to do it before you know what it is – Donald Grey Barnhouse, Philadelphia pastor

A Useful Prayer for People Pleasers

Lord, please guide me as I formally resign from feeling responsible for the internal happiness of others.  I am to just love them compassionately.

I cannot make other’s issues mine, not only because it stresses me out, but because it gives others an opportunity to avoid dealing with their issues.

I cannot let a false sense of guilt (that is, my own issues) lure me into responding/reacting to others as their issues become visible.  For example, ‘if you were not so frigid then I wouldn’t have to blow up at you, because I feel guilty that I’ve caused your lack of affection.”   In other words. I cannot blame myself for others’ deeper, pre-conditioned issues.

Also, I cannot make others responsible for making me ‘happy’ by trying to frame others as the solution for my own issues, nor trying to frame others as the excuse I use to avoid dealing with my own issues.  In other words, I cannot throw my own issues onto others, and expect them to solve them! 

You love me for who I am.   You have forgiven my sins.  Eph 4:32, Col 3:13b

Who am I not to forgive myself for not feeling like I’m ‘good enough’?  Heb 9:12-14, Rom 5:8
 
My worth comes from being Your child, not from others being ‘happy’ around me, nor my ‘making’ others happy (including taking on their issues to solve for them, as if I could).  Rom 12:3. 

I DON’T HAVE TO ‘DO’ TO BE LOVED; I AM LOVED! 
Christ has already ‘done’ what is needed! 1Pet 2:9,10

Lord, I offer this Plea of Heart and Humility:

(Am I listening?)
Ps 95:8-10, Eph 4:17-8 –
Do not harden my heart from hearing You

(Who am I listening to?)
Jer 17:5-8, Rom 12:3 -
I trust in You, not the world…
as per Your Word,

(Am I worthy?)
Gen 1:26-7, Mt 12:12, Mt 10:29-31, Lk 12:7, Ps 8:5 and 8:3, 139:13-15–
I am created in Your image, and worth more than animals, in fact just below the heavenly beings

(But what about my sinfulness?)
Ps 103:11,12; 32:5, Acts 2:38, Rom 3:24– You have separated my sins completely from me

(So what do I have to do in return, to keep this blessing?)
Ecc 2:11, 2:1; Phil 3:4+9, Gal 2:21, Col 3:3– I cannot earn Your approval, it is a free gift

Lord, I accept that I am NOT GUILTY!
What is needed to establish guilt?  Guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.  Given above, there is no doubt that I am NOT guilty (of being unlovable, not good enough, etc.), per Your Word, because of Christ’s obedience and sacrifice! 

(1Jn 2:1,2 And i have the best lawyer in history if charged!) 

I must decondition myself from self-blaming guilt.  The one thing I’m guilty of is having an innately sinful nature, but that’s what Christ redeemed. Rom 3:22-25, 4:6-8.

So I need to stop acting guilty, and acting out of guilt, and instead start loving You and Your people – with a growing sense of compassion, as able…1Jn 1:9…starting with my family!

Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

Wisdom, Compassion and Monika Ardelt

Wisdom is a major backdrop for The Emotionally Authentic Christian. In the book, I note how Scripture looks at wisdom as having three components – knowledge, understanding, and obedience.

Monika Ardelt, a sociologist from the University of Florida (congrats on the national championships, my beloved Syracuse Orange won one in 2003!), has an intriguing and compelling view on wisdom that I believe shows the strong linkage between wisdom and compassion, based on the observation that compassion is love in action, and love is meeting others’ needs, not?solely my own…and that the ideal form of compassion is empathy.

This is from an article that featured her research in the Austin American-Statesman, July 16, 2007, on page E6:

“[the] qualities most often associated with [wisdom are] selflessness, compassion, objectivity, flexibility and a deep, unblinking understanding of life and human nature.”

Those with wisdom, during a crisis, distanced themselves and become the cool one, actively worked hard to cope with the challenge, and applied their own personal principles such as “never giving in to an outside force or always doing what needs to be done.”

Those without wisdom were “extremely vulnerable and defenseless when experiencing extreme hardships in life. They suffered through ordeals without trying to analyze or cope with them. They tended to believe there was nothing they could do about obstacles such as financial problems, health problems and the behavior of errant spouses.”

Notice the self-defeating beliefs (scripting) in action!

“Most dramatically, while wise individuals rarely complained and talked often and with obvious delight about the welfare of those they loved during interviews, their low-scoring counterparts much preferred to discuss themselves and their own never-ending catalog of complaints.

Self-absorption, and the unhappiness that comes with it, has become a recurring theme in Ardelt’s observations. ‘It’s striking to me just how harmful self-centeredness is to the individual.’”

How interesting. Self-centeredness is a major inhibitor to wisdom, and can lead to a ‘woe is me’ view, that is, ‘me vs. the world.’ A business partner from Spain that I met recently at a conference in Montpellier, France told me that he starts every client briefing by handing out a business-card that has the word VICTIM, with a circle and slash through it – no victims allowed. Self-centeredness encourages this victim mentality.

On the other hand, true wisdom seems to inherently show itself through internal strength within the self that is observable outside. Not through volume, of course – a Chinese proverb states “noisy outside, inside empty” – but through a consistent display of character (Rom 5:4,5).

I pray for the strength to continue to seek wisdom, including avoiding the self-centeredness that discourages its growth!

Peace…

One of the most basic traps we fall into…

One of the topics I focus on in the book is how we so often avoid dealing with our real yet often hidden emotional pains through some form of ‘self-medication.’  From drugs and sex to work and church, with lots in between, our lives often become centered around whatever our favorite form of self-medication is, along with the consequences that naturally co-exist and follow that form.

One of the ‘in between’ forms of self-medication is connecting with other people, which itself is exhibited in many ways.  I talk about several in the book, and I’ve recently realized that these could possibly be summarized as “holding someone else reponsible for our own happiness.”

This sounds so simple, so basic, but I’m shocked to see how often we do this to each other.  ”If you wouldn’t do X, then I wouldn’t have to feel Y,” where Y is some negative emotion that has a bad influence on how we feel about ourselves, others, and even God.

Even more troubling is how often I see this in troubled marriages, where both partners are holding each other responsible for the other’s happiness.  Only I can deal with my own issues, but it is so often easier to avoid doing the hard work that is needed here, and rather just throw my responsibility onto that beautiful soul that God has blesed my life with.

If both spouses continue to do this, then they’re going to continue to live within a death spiral.  Through the power of the Holy Spirit, the marriage may continue for decades, but with an intense, frustrating, maddening emotional separation.

If one takes personal responsibility for themselves, but their partner refuses to, then there will be continued misery in the relationship (why do we do this to each other?). 

If both take personal responsibility for their own issues, then a wonderful maturing of the relationship, including a deeper realizion of the joy of sharing life together, can occur.  And often does.

peace…

Welcome to the blog for The Emotionally Authentic Christian by Bob Kalka!

Welcome to the blog for my new iUniverse Editor’s Choice book, entitled The Emotionally Authentic Christian: Building Passion, Creativity and Wholeness into Your Christian Walk. 

In this blog, I hope to share many things with you, including the latest updates from the research that this book is based on, real-life stories of folks like you and me that are in the midst of journeying through the emotional authenticity cycle, and feedback from other readers on this book and topic.

For those not familiar yet with the book, the core topic is simple – how can each of us be more ‘real’ with each other and ourselves, so that the church can be more ‘real’ with others and within itself.  The research behind the book is based on the awesome work in group psychodynamics by Dr. Gary Gemmill from Syracuse University (et al), who has been my mentor for the past 17 years.

I look forward to sharing with you.

Blessings,

Bob Kalka